Understanding anxiety is difficult for anyone who doesn’t experience it, but even harder when the person explaining it is a child. I myself was once that child desperately trying to get my parents to understand what was happening to me. Now that I am an adult and a bit more articulate I hope to help you understand what is going on with your child.
Firstly you must understand that your child is still the same person. The way I explain my anxiety is a bit like possession. At my core I still like all the same things and still have the same dreams, but sometimes my anxiety takes over my brain and I feel I cant do anything.
Start thinking about your child’s anxiety as a different person or character. Give it a name. Mine was Lauren after a mean girl in my school. This helps them feel its not their fault and helps to eliminate some of the guilt or shame that comes along with really wanting to do something, but being too afraid to do it. Giving it a name can help it become a tangible thing that the both of you can fight together, rather than just a feeling.
Encourage them to talk about it. If you see them struggling ask them if Lauren is bothering them, or what ever name you choose. Explain to them, if they do not already know, that Lauren cant hurt them even if it feels as though they may die. Whatever you do though, don’t use that to dismiss their fears. It is very real.
Know that depression is usually also present in people who have anxiety. Be patient with your child and try not to let them know how frustrated you are. They’re frustrated too. There is a lot of guilt in wanting to do things or being expected to do things that you are unable to do.
Keep in mind their depression and although you don’t want to give them a free pass you want to work with them and to build up to it. If your child struggles with homework tell them to do as much as they can and when they feel they need to stop let them do something they enjoy for a bit to calm down. After they have calmed down tell them to do as much as they can again. Let them know there are different approaches to the things that make them anxious. Giving them options may help them feel in control. Staying calm and accepting that your child cannot continue is important.
Establishing trust that your child is not lying is key to letting them know you are on their side. If you don’t believe them they will feel very alone, but if they lie to you about when their anxiety is acting up to get out of doing things, the avoidance could cause actual anxiety to manifest in those situations.
Most importantly, you must understand that what your child experiences during an episode feel like you are doing to die. Their body is experiencing terror and for no valid reason. Helping them through that will be about letting them know you are there for them, you love them, and you will help reintroduce them to these frightening situations slowly and in a safe way. Good luck!
Blog by Jace 